Saturday, June 22, 2013

What a journey it has turned out to be!

When I started this blog, I thought most of the posts would be about losing weight, about the journey to physical health.  And they have been, up until this point.  But oh, has life changed, and it's become SO much more than that.

May 31, 2013.  I filed for divorce.  I NEVER in a million years thought I'd be getting divorced, yet I am.  Without getting into all the nitty gritty details, I was miserable in my marriage (and I'm pretty sure Jason was too.)  We couldn't come to any agreement on how to fix it, so I decided to end it.  When you realize that you would be happier alone, that is eye opening.  So 12 years of being married, (15 since we started dating), and just like that, it's over.

I've kept seeing a counselor throughout all this, and she really helps me make sense of a lot of this "stuff."  I saw her yesterday, and it hit the past few years, when I've been getting healthy with eating right and working out, I've been unhealthy in my most important relationship of all, my marriage.  I didn't realize how unhealthy it was.  Well, scratch that.  I think I did.  But I think I didn't want to admit it.  Who does?  Who wants to admit their marriage is not good?

So while a big part of my life was becoming healthy, another part was going the opposite direction.  I think it became more apparent too, with the more weight I lost.  I've known for years that Jason and I had our problems, but I ALWAYS blamed it on my weight.  I told myself when I lost the weight, we'd be better, closer, more in love, etc, etc, etc.  And it didn't happen.  At all.  And it got the the point where I wasn't willing to be so unhappy any longer.

It's still very difficult.  Do I wish my marriage had worked out?  Of course I do.  I loved Jason.  I still love him.  But I don't love, and could not stay, in our marriage the way it had become.  I don't know why things changed.  Or even when they changed.  But I do know, without a doubt, that it was beyond repair.  I would have tried different things to make it work, but it was too far gone by this point.

That's where my journey has taken me lately.  On the physical part, I have been really struggling.  I've not been eating right and not been working out the way I should/can.  Maybe I'm so used to having part of my life being unhealthy, that I tend to go back to that.  My personal/emotional life is on the upswing now, so I compensate and make another part of my life (physical) unhealthy.  Why would I do that though?  Who knows.  Still working on that part.

But I'm getting through it.  I'm proud of where I am.  It hasn't been easy, or pretty, but I've gotten out of bed every day.  I'm getting back to my usual routine, which is working out, cooking, spending time with Jenna.  I haven't missed work since all this started (big for me due to anxiety issues that rear up from time to time) and I'm looking ahead.  I can't look back.  There's no point.  What's done is done.  So I'll keep looking forward.