Tuesday, August 1, 2017

Bitchfest 101

I'm annoyed and frustrated.  I'm tired of being positive, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of dealing with cancer.  And I'm mad.

I'm mad that my daughter has to worry about me.  No 8 year old should have to do that.
I'm mad that I'm tired all the time.
I'm mad that I'm losing my eyelashes.
I'm mad that I can't have a drink every once in awhile.
I'm mad that we had church pictures this week...even though it's a great wig, it's not me.
I'm mad that someone is staying with me all the time, even though I know I need it.
I'm mad that my house keeps falling apart.

I'm mad that I see so many great pictures of people on vacation and I get NO vacation this year.
I'm mad that I have to take off a day of work every week to get chemotherapy.
I'm mad that I'll have to miss more work down the road for surgery.
I'm mad that this is such a long treatment process.

I'm mad that the first thing that comes to people's minds when they see me is "how are you feeling?"  Although meant well, answering it is getting really old.  I hate that they feel they have to ask.
I'm mad that I can't go to Camp Gladiator.
I'm mad that I haven't gotten 10,000 steps in one day in weeks.
I'm mad that I have very little energy to do much outside of work.
I'm mad that I don't see my friends as often as I like because I have no energy to do anything.
I'm mad that any chance of dating has gone out the window.

I'm mad that with any ache or pain my mind starts thinking I've got metastasis.
I'm mad that this cancer has such a high rate of recurrence.
I'm mad that I can't get it out of my head that I will be stage 4 eventually.
I'm mad that I keep thinking negatively, because although understandable, those thoughts are NOT a good place to be.

I'm mad that I have to do any of this.  It's not fair, it's not right, and NO ONE should have to deal with this, including me.