I'm annoyed and frustrated. I'm tired of being positive, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of dealing with cancer. And I'm mad.
I'm mad that my daughter has to worry about me. No 8 year old should have to do that.
I'm mad that I'm tired all the time.
I'm mad that I'm losing my eyelashes.
I'm mad that I can't have a drink every once in awhile.
I'm mad that we had church pictures this week...even though it's a great wig, it's not me.
I'm mad that someone is staying with me all the time, even though I know I need it.
I'm mad that my house keeps falling apart.
I'm mad that I see so many great pictures of people on vacation and I get NO vacation this year.
I'm mad that I have to take off a day of work every week to get chemotherapy.
I'm mad that I'll have to miss more work down the road for surgery.
I'm mad that this is such a long treatment process.
I'm mad that the first thing that comes to people's minds when they see me is "how are you feeling?" Although meant well, answering it is getting really old. I hate that they feel they have to ask.
I'm mad that I can't go to Camp Gladiator.
I'm mad that I haven't gotten 10,000 steps in one day in weeks.
I'm mad that I have very little energy to do much outside of work.
I'm mad that I don't see my friends as often as I like because I have no energy to do anything.
I'm mad that any chance of dating has gone out the window.
I'm mad that with any ache or pain my mind starts thinking I've got metastasis.
I'm mad that this cancer has such a high rate of recurrence.
I'm mad that I can't get it out of my head that I will be stage 4 eventually.
I'm mad that I keep thinking negatively, because although understandable, those thoughts are NOT a good place to be.
I'm mad that I have to do any of this. It's not fair, it's not right, and NO ONE should have to deal with this, including me.
Love you, big sis. You have every right to be mad as shit!
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ReplyDeleteI totally can understand the being mad. I sort of feel that way, too. But I do think that you need to stay focused on that all of this WILL work, that you WILL be healed eventually. Because if you can do that, it helps with the WHY? At least the why of everything that you are going through right now.
ReplyDeleteBut is it just crappy? Yep, definitely. And no, you don't have to be Pollyanna all the time. Google that one if you don't know what it means. :)
I'm mad for you, Mama.. mad as hell, actually! I wish we could get together and break some shit.. seems like that might relieve some stress. I love you, Kate.. feel free to vent to me anytime you want or need. I'm always here for you!!
ReplyDeleteIt's not fair. It's pretty f'd up actually. Lately it feels like cancer is everywhere and it doesn't discriminate. I have no magical words here and not sure they'd help anyway. But I'm glad you're honest and not Pollyanna! ;). Hugs.
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