Living life

"Live the life you have imagined."  That wall hanging is on the wall above my computer.  I see it a lot, and it's damn good advice.  Still working on taking that advice though.

My divorce was final August 5, 2013.  It was FAST.  I left Jason May 21, 2013.  Filed May 31, 2013 and it was final August 5.  I guess when both people decide there's no way to stay married and agree on how to split everything, it doesn't take long.  And I'm glad it was fast, because I needed to move on.  Still having a tough time with that, but it's getting easier.

Tomorrow, October 7, would have been my 13th wedding anniversary.  I'm really trying not to let that bother me.  In fact, I'm trying to look at it as THE point of me moving on.  I'm hoping that the date will miraculously be the kick in the pants that I need.  I'm not down in the dumps by any means, and I have more good days than bad.  But I need to move forward.

A BIG part of that moving forward is getting healthy again.  I've gained A LOT of weight back.  I'm having to wear bigger clothes and I can feel it.  I can feel that I've gotten bigger again.  It's not a lost cause, by any means, but I've got to get back to eating healthy and working out.  I want to.  I know I'll be happier.

So I'm hoping tomorrow is kind of a turning point for me, where I start going forward again, not backward.  I've been trying to do that for weeks now, and I haven't been able to do it consistently.  Hoping tomorrow, even though it's just a date on the calendar now, will help to change that.

What a journey it has turned out to be!

When I started this blog, I thought most of the posts would be about losing weight, about the journey to physical health.  And they have been, up until this point.  But oh, has life changed, and it's become SO much more than that.

May 31, 2013.  I filed for divorce.  I NEVER in a million years thought I'd be getting divorced, yet I am.  Without getting into all the nitty gritty details, I was miserable in my marriage (and I'm pretty sure Jason was too.)  We couldn't come to any agreement on how to fix it, so I decided to end it.  When you realize that you would be happier alone, that is eye opening.  So 12 years of being married, (15 since we started dating), and just like that, it's over.

I've kept seeing a counselor throughout all this, and she really helps me make sense of a lot of this "stuff."  I saw her yesterday, and it hit me...in the past few years, when I've been getting healthy with eating right and working out, I've been unhealthy in my most important relationship of all, my marriage.  I didn't realize how unhealthy it was.  Well, scratch that.  I think I did.  But I think I didn't want to admit it.  Who does?  Who wants to admit their marriage is not good?

So while a big part of my life was becoming healthy, another part was going the opposite direction.  I think it became more apparent too, with the more weight I lost.  I've known for years that Jason and I had our problems, but I ALWAYS blamed it on my weight.  I told myself when I lost the weight, we'd be better, closer, more in love, etc, etc, etc.  And it didn't happen.  At all.  And it got the the point where I wasn't willing to be so unhappy any longer.

It's still very difficult.  Do I wish my marriage had worked out?  Of course I do.  I loved Jason.  I still love him.  But I don't love, and could not stay, in our marriage the way it had become.  I don't know why things changed.  Or even when they changed.  But I do know, without a doubt, that it was beyond repair.  I would have tried different things to make it work, but it was too far gone by this point.

That's where my journey has taken me lately.  On the physical part, I have been really struggling.  I've not been eating right and not been working out the way I should/can.  Maybe I'm so used to having part of my life being unhealthy, that I tend to go back to that.  My personal/emotional life is on the upswing now, so I compensate and make another part of my life (physical) unhealthy.  Why would I do that though?  Who knows.  Still working on that part.

But I'm getting through it.  I'm proud of where I am.  It hasn't been easy, or pretty, but I've gotten out of bed every day.  I'm getting back to my usual routine, which is working out, cooking, spending time with Jenna.  I haven't missed work since all this started (big for me due to anxiety issues that rear up from time to time) and I'm looking ahead.  I can't look back.  There's no point.  What's done is done.  So I'll keep looking forward.

Time to quit screwing around

It's been just about 6 months since I got to my goal of 100 pounds lost.  And since then, I have been gaining and then losing the same 5-10 pounds, over and over.  This has GOT to stop.  I still want/need to lose another 20 pounds or so, and it's time I got serious and did this.  Tomorrow is March 1st.  Planning on sticking to my calories every day (no late night munching that's not counted) and besides my regular workouts/runs, doing my 6 week 6 pack DVD every day that I'm off work.  I need to get back on track for good!

Small update to the bucket list

I thought of something I wanted to add to my bucket list.  And after yesterday, I can cross off a couple more things!


Run a 5K in under 30 minutes
Run a 10K
Run a 10K in under 70 minutes
Run a half marathon
Run a marathon
Run a Tough Mudder
Chest press 125 pounds (barbell)
Dead lift 225 pounds (barbell)
Run a race with Jenna
Beat Jason in a 5K
Do 20 pushups without stopping
Do 1 real pull up
Run a 5K
Run 10+ miles
Complete all 3 levels of the 30 Day Shred without stopping (new)

My fitness "bucket list"

A few weeks, ago, I ran 11 miles.  It was the first time I had run in double digits.  Since then, I've been thinking about other goals I want to achieve.  I decided I needed a fitness "bucket list"...things that I want to do sometime in this lifetime.  I figure this will be an evolving and changing list too...I hope so!  I've got a lot of living yet to do and this is just a start.  Some of these will be relatively easy, and some will take a few years, at least, to do.  So here goes!

Run a 5K in under 30 minutes
Run a 10K
Run a 10K in under 70 minutes
Run a half marathon
Run a marathon
Run a Tough Mudder
Chest press 125 pounds (barbell)
Dead lift 225 pounds (barbell)
Run a race with Jenna
Beat Jason in a 5K
Do 20 pushups without stopping
Do 1 real pull up
Run a 5K
Run 10+ miles

Thought I'd add the last two because they were goals I already had achieved.  A couple of those (marathon, Tough Mudder) scare me, but I have a feeling I can work up to them.

Health and fitness goals for 2013

Since my last post was about my 2012 accomplishments, it seems only right that I also post about my goals for 2013.  I've decided against resolutions...never kept them anyway.  Goals give me something to work towards and are much more positive.  So with an explanation why these are goals, here goes!

1.  Run 12 races.  I ran 9 races in 2012, so I'm sure I can fit 3 more in.  Actually, it will be a little more difficult because I am now working every other weekend, but that just makes it a little more challenging.  I'm already signed up for 3 races in January and February so I'm off to a good start.

2.  Run 600 miles.  I gave a lot of thought to this one.  One of my friends on Facebook posted her total for the year.  Once I stopped to think about it, it was astounding...over 1400 miles!  Not sure if I could even get over 1000.  But I know, if I push myself, I can get to 600.  That's between 11-12 miles a week, so it will be tough for me.  But I'm going to try.

3.  Get under 30% body fat.  When I started at the gym, I was at 40%.  I got down to 34.6% this year, so this is definitely achievable.  But it's still going to require some dedication and hard work on my part.

4.  Get my BMI under 30.  This should be my easiest goal, since my BMI is at 31.1 right now.  I think I have to lose about 8 pounds to get under 30.  But it's significant because I will FINALLY be out of the obese BMI category.  I'll "just" be overweight.  That's a big milestone for sure.

5.  And the last one is to get to my goal weight.  I have just about 25 pounds to get there.  Losing half a pound a week will get me there.  Definitely achievable.  And MAJOR.  Exciting that it's within my grasp!